My Last Entry… well… that was the original intent. Post it later or have it be posted sometime in the future. But I changed my mind and thought I’d post it now. I may add to it later, or just start a new post, an addendum to this post as it were… we’ll see.
So the plan was…
Someday… this will be my final entry. I will add to it, from time to time… putting down a collection of thoughts and feelings that might seem to sum up a lifetime, in such a short few paragraphs.
Mostly from moments that strike an emotional nerve, and leave me with the question… “What was my life all about”? Odd to think that it could all be summed up in a few paragraphs. Perhaps even sad depending how I look at it.
Emotional moments when you wonder about the family history that you never knew. Wonder where your life went, and how it all passed by so quickly. How many wasted moments and opportunities there must have been when things could have been different. So many small things that forever changed the path that your life traveled. What might have been, what never was, what never will be, and if magically given a choice, what would you have changed, and to what end. Happiness is a string of joyous moments spanning the years and highlight your life, that somehow seems more cherished and yet somehow more incidental and less significant as you get older. Sometimes the reality is that you feel that you are no closer to a life goal than you were when you were younger, only now there’s not much you can do about it anyway… or was it an illusion at you could have ever done anything about it, even if you knew what to do when you were younger. Does it ever seem that you can look back and 100% believe that you did all you could… probably not. The day to day stuff that everyone does to comfortably survive and have things… the price you pay with your life being used up to exist in a modern society. What percentage of my life was used up to have the necessities and things that gave us comfort. Things and stuff that gave comfort over our working life, but never gave us a lasting sense that we lived our life to the fullest. Was 80% of my life used up to work for things that have little meaning now… 90%… who knows… and does all that stuff mean little or nothing now? And what exactly would have been “living life to the fullest” anyway. Something real or something that is imaginary… a lofty sense of something that should have been better. More friends?… more involvement with family & friends?… doing more with or for the kids or grandkids? … Giving more to others in general? … or was it all wishful thinking as your day to day life consumed your life more and more?
Having no blood family alive is a depressing thought, no brothers or sisters, no parents or grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no one. No children to pass on the family name and all the thoughts of life some how continuing on. Nothing to say that I was here and alive and had a life. No one to remember. Just like my family going back over the years… I have lots of questions about their life. Who they were, how they lived, what were they like… at least they have me wondering about them… there will be no one to wonder about me. Than there’s the thought that I’ll grow old alone… and die alone. Yes, I am hopeful that my marriage family will take the place of a blood family… but they too will be using up their 80% plus of their own life just making their own way through life. I guess the best that most can hope for is that life ends on one of those happy moments in your life. This too may be an odd statement, for how can your life end (being a sad thing) on a good moment. When I was younger I never thought about such things, and rarely as I got older, and now… every so often it crosses my mind. I heard it said that everyone dies alone… but I don’t think so. They may comfort themselves with that thought not wanting to accept the possibility that there is a good way to die as well as a bad way… alone is definitely a bad way. We all have to die sometime, and I can only hope that it is with a smile on my face, and a moment of happiness in my heart, and with someone that knew that I had a life, that I mattered, and will fondly remember me in a good way. I’m not sure which is worst, for one to die and leave their Love and partner in life behind to bare the sorrow, or to be the last to go… the idea of going together at the same time seems somehow fitting, although not likely. Fate will have to make that choice… for I don’t think I could bare to make a choice of either. I could not be selfish to go first, nor could I bare the sorrow of being left behind… completely alone.
Sometimes I have moments like this. Think of things to come. Look back and think I could have done more… but I guess it’s all a frame on mind anyway. But I do think it’s something that many have experienced. Could I have had more fun… could I have helped others more. Did I leave the world better for me being here… well… certainly none the worse. Was I able to touch others lives at least to give them moments of happiness and memories that they too can carry into their life’s story. I Hope So.
Day to day life… sometimes I wonder why it’s called life at all when so much of it is used up in just surviving. But there are moments in everyone’s day to day life ( or I hope so) that bring them moments of happiness. Sometimes it’s the big stuff, but most of the time it’s the small stuff. For me, it’s seeing Shelly smile, being loved and feeling happiness. Seeing your kids ( step kids for me) happy and making their way through life perhaps a bit easier that you did, and seeing your grandkids smile & laugh. That in it’s self is a happy thought to hold onto… especially when I get into what ever psychological term it is for the emotional mood I find myself in occasionally… when you realize that the end of life’s journey is much closer to the end than the beginning.
To all my family, friends and acquaintances: Somehow, I wish I could have done more to give you more moments of happiness and touched your life more than I did. I’ll try to work on that before the end actually catch’s up to either you or me… and hopefully won’t get so caught up in the 80% or so task of day to day life that consumes most of us… and make more time for family, friends, and those that are around me… and perhaps spark another moment of happiness for us all.
Certainly hopeful that there is a lot more to follow.
Already thinking that perhaps posting this sooner rather than later might just be something worth reading to others… maybe yes… but maybe not. Just hold on to all the moments from the past and try to find the time to create new moments in your future… both for you and others… now that’s a good note to close on.
And no, I’m not dying, a least not from anything I know about or anything more than any other mortal person. Just looking back, and thinking ahead. Perhaps with less regrets than most, but never the less some… and of course several “What if’s”… but I guess that’s only natural. The important thing is, I’m in a better place now than I have even been in my Life. I share everything with Shelly, and she is the joy my life. Life is sweet, just wish I was closer to the beginning of life… so I could cherish and enjoy it all longer. But who knows… living another 30 years or so is not unreasonable. Just have to see what fate has in mind.
Just in case you were wondering… “WHAT” ….
Finished watching a movie : “Everybody’s Fine”… the story of a man, get old, retires, wife dies, kids all moved away. He worked his whole life to provide for them by missed too much. And now they are all too busy with their lives. Makes you think about things.
